A few days ago, on a hike, I saw this cactus near the foot of Ugwu Amakofia, Uwelle, Ukehe and I spent a while observing it. The cactus teaches us to “emphasize our strong points through its spines and remain patient through tough dry spells”. All year long, I lived by this lesson, many a time, subconsciously.
2018 was probably the first year that had a beginning that set the tone for the year, a middle that actually embodied that tone and an end that can’t exactly balance out but tries to appease me for what I went through. I had two clear goals that I assumed on its first day would define my year as a successful one, but that was before everything else went bizarre. The goals, however, were to leave school (May or August – didn’t matter which at the point) and to secure a housejob spot.
The Beginning (January – March)
I was never a hardworking student all my days in school. It’s a painful admission but it’s true. I always had pangs of guilt when, on my account, a teacher labelled my colleagues and I as lazy because I believed they didn’t deserve to be seen as such. But me, I definitely did. It’s why it was a very serious commitment when I made a firm resolution to be that hardworking student a lot of people, especially my family, believed I was. It was rather poetic that I had a chance to show how much I was willing to abide by this commitment as I had a school assessment within the first 5 days of the year, but I fumbled the bag very badly. However that was just the beginning.
The next few weeks were defined by stuttered attempts to actualise this resolution but I failed and failed again. It seemed easier to play the numbers game and determine what was absolutely necessary to pass than actually prepare for the exam in a well mapped out manner. I gave up. The option of getting it done in August, even though very distasteful, wasn’t implausible.
I slowly receded into a stagnancy where I wholeheartedly believed I wasn’t as bad as I usually was school-wise, and at the same time, thoroughly convinced that I was bound to fail my final exams. At that time, apathy was my biggest obstacle. A year that started with so much vibe had toned down to a gentle and increasingly boring tale where I felt smothered by a clash between what I wanted to do versus what I had to do.
The Middle (April – October)
This particular period had a lengthy spell of really terrible and low emotions, internal struggles, a breakdown of relationships, character and a general purpose. It taught me the untold sacrifice of commitment, loyalty and respect. It seemed like the penultimate act of a play that teases the final act to be a shattering catastrophe. The pains of losing a loved one last year seemed to have just started emanating. Trapped like a sailor at sea, in a ship with a hole in it, the waters were rising so fast and I was sinking deep. It was quite terrible where I was, but it was even more frightening where I was going. And I was determined to stop this particular story arc.
My determination to change the course of my life at that point was unhealthy (resuming a really hedonistic lifestyle), ridiculous (deleting my entire music library to jumpstart my default mood from unhappy to uncertain), humiliating (I had to spend the night in a bathroom) all at once. It was a lot of other things too which weren’t always bad, but it took a whole lot to adjust to this new form of living. I had to deal with an apathetic feeling towards my academics and a soon to be destructive pattern that was emerging to become my lifestyle.
It was also during this period that we resisted oppression from our college authorities and it was indeed a blessing to me that my final exams were postponed. The timeout was really needed and also our resistance was probably one of the proudest moments of my life. Those few days brought genuine happiness to me at a point I needed it most, even though they were very temporary.
My exam preparations were piss-poor and a lot of things went south a few days before the exams started. I carried a heavy burden and bore a grudge all through the exams. It’s why no one should be surprised I traveled to Benin for a wedding during the exam period. It was a big thing to do for a friend who needed it. But it was in my best interest too.
Of course, when I passed the exams against all odds, there was this outpouring of happiness. My parents were very proud of me, my siblings too. I received calls from people I had forgotten. Everyone was congratulating me. At times, I feel like I defrauded my alma mater, but I guess I played the hand I was dealt. But this euphoria was short-lived too and general tone of the year continued.
The End (November – December)
Staying at home for an extended period seemed to do the trick, a few celebrations here and there too. I finally had my convocation and induction ceremonies and officially became a medical doctor. It would have been the perfect end to this entire charade except for a near blackout experience I had while driving. I suddenly realised that I couldn’t account for what I had done for about 5 seconds. I was on the wrong side of the wrong road and I couldn’t explain how I got there. Reuniting with my relatives, my brothers, childhood friends during the festive season has been good to me as well.
It wasn’t all bad all the way though. There were sporadic moments of happiness that i hold so dearly. However, they were just interruptions usually. Indeed, it feels like the end now. I’m glad it’s ending this way – in good company, in good spirits, with a genuine hope that the worst is over.
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This was a year I hope not to have a repeat of but it was a necessary year for me. It offered context to a lot of things I had only imagined previously and it had many lessons and many injuries. It taught me of my reliance on a support cast and the pains of the support cast being the problem. I’m thankful for a lot of things and a lot of people. I finished from school and became a medical doctor this year, however I am yet to secure that housejob spot. On paper, it looks like a very good year for me. It may have been, but the course I charted to get to this end was rocky most of the way.
Moving forward into 2019, the cactus also teaches us to “hoard a rich internal reserve to protect it from the need of constant external nourishment or validation”. I hope I can bear this in mind when I reach out to a lot of people I fell out with during my tough times. I’ve realized my self-esteem and self-reliance are very important for my happiness. I hope 2019 is better quite honestly. It really has to be. Cheers.
Heavy: Lift with Caution 